yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
