By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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