Im at strip club and am horny
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
