He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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