You can't special order awesome
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
