I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
