i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
