I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
