One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
