He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
