How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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