I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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