The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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