Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
