ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
how does that bad decision feel?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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