peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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