Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
