at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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