mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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