just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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