thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
