Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
