This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
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