During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
