Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
