Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
