I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
