woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
