I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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