Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
