I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
