Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Someone shattered a urinal.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
