Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
