All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I party with great urgency now.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
