R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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