She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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