lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
