When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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