My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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