I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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