So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
