she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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