So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I think I sprained my soul last night
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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