Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
