Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Ketchup is God's man juice
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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