You just made me feel so damn special
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
