A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
