Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
