Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
