That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
