ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
